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COMMON COMPLAINS FROM MARRIED COUPLES

Whether you marriage is days or decades old, there are various intervention systems that can be put in place to rectify the situation. Whiles a few can be mentioned due to time and space, you can continue to find out more in order to sustain your marriage or the marriage of others that you have the power to influence.

MY MATE AND I ARE GROWING APART
Your marriage should be one of the most important things in your life. It deserves priority in most cases. You therefore need to check whether your schedules contribute to the complaint you have been hearing so many times. It is not easy, but do not let the necessary business of life cause you and your spouse to live separate lives. Of coarse the demands of modern work environment and other unavoidable situations may temporarily force you out of each other’s company. But you can and should put a limit on anything over which you have control like times spent with friends and on hobbies.

Some spouses, however, may take on extra work or hobbies just so they do not have to spend time with their mate. Such individuals are not “growing apart” from their spouse. They are running away from problems. If you or your mate falls into that category, you need to identify the underlying issues and deal with them. Only by sharing your life with your mate can the two of you grow together and understand each other.

I AM NO LONGER GETTING WHAT I WANT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP
Generally, any person who is primarily concerned with what he/she is getting from marriage will never be truly happy, even if that individual remarries many times. Marriage works when each partner focuses more on giving than on receiving. After all, there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving as the bible says. The two partners should therefore understand that, looking out for your interest alone will not make the marriage work because it sounds more like you are being more than selfish. Since you all decided together to live your lives together no matter the situation, you will be happier if you were to make the other person’s interest sometime more important than your own interest. In short, just give yourself the chance to be in the other person’s shoes and ask your self, I would I also love to be treated like the way I am treating him/her? You have to always overcome your problems and challenges as they come and that will make the marriage last for a life time.

MY PARTNER DOES NOT LIVE UP TO HIS/HER OBLIGATIONS
Without doubt, marriage will not function at its best if only one partner contributes to its success. But the situation will be worse if both partners are negligent, each blaming the other.

I you dwell primarily on what your partner should be doing, you doom yourself to a life of misery. Especially will that be so if you use your partner’s shortcomings as an excuse to abdicate your own responsibilities. On the other hand, if you strive to be a good husband or a good wife, your marriage will likely improve. Mostly, young people especially erroneously think that marriage is just an event and not a journey. As a result, major part of their preparation towards the holy matrimony is on the day or few weeks after marriage. But a lot of the work on marriage is living after the ceremony and not the other way round. In the end, it is important for each partner to know that it is best to take the initiative in trying to make peace and both calm down to talk the main issues out.

MY WIFE IS NOT SUBMISSIVE
A husband who feels that his wife is not submissive should first examine whether he is also willing to show submission to his wife. Yes, men have been made the head in every marriage situation but it does not give you the right to just be the boss and nothing else. Sometimes it is very necessary to come down to the level of your partner in order to understand them better and live with them happily. What you see standing on top of a story building is not the same you will see when you are standing down and looking up of a story building. If nothing at all, it seriously affects your perception. It is the same with marriage roles. Husbands give your wives clear directions as head of the family and correct them when necessary. But you should not be harsh to them but rather be kind to them and make adequate allowance for their limitations as humans as you will expect them to do the same to you. Learn to put your partners interest ahead of your sometimes.

What will you think about a woman who disagrees with you and respectfully disagree you’re your view? This does not require terrorizing her into silence or browbeating your wife, demanding that she be subject to every whim. But you will earn your wife’s respect by exercising your headship in a compassionate manner. Your wife deserves to be treated not as a second-class citizen but as an intelligent and capable partner.


MY HUSBAND DOES NOT SHOW INITIATIVE
If your husband is reluctant to make decisions or take the lead in managing the household, you have at least three options:
1. You could constantly point out his failings in a very polite manner. You know men do not like to be told what to do just because they want to keep their pride by pretending to know so much which they might not necessarily do.
2. You could usurp his role as head of the family. It is possible to initiate something and then ask the man to lead in implementing it so that other people can praise him for doing what you have planned and if possible implemented already. A continuous praises like that can boost his confidence to try others on his own.
3. You could sincerely commend him for any efforts he does make. Every human being likes to be praised for the little effort they make most especially males. This condition can easily put him gradually into being initiative if it is well done.

If you choose either of the first two options, you will likely tear down your house with own you hands unless it is done with all the precautions necessary. It is always advisable to choose the third option which will definitely help to build up, or strengthen your marriage firmly. That is what makes marriage more fun. Although you think you are helping your partner to in order to make your marriage work, just relax and think about all the processes that you went through into reaching your goal and you will realize how happy it makes you whenever you give it a thought.
Many men value respect even more than love. So if you make your husband fell respected. That is, to make him feel that his efforts to take the lead in the family are effective and appreciated, he will likely improve in his role. Of course, you will at times disagree with your husband on a matter. The two of you need to discuss those issues and come to a common understanding not necessarily agreeing to everything but agreeing to disagree. The most important thing is the choice of word. Because the words you choose and the tone you use will help either to tear down to build up your marriage. Express yourself respectfully, and you will be more likely to achieve the outcome you want – a husband who does not hesitate to take the lead in the family. Learn to consult your husband instead of just taking decisions on your own.

I CAN NO LONGER STAND MY PARTNER’S ANNOYING HABBITS
When you were first going out, you were likely so focused on your prospective partner’s fine qualities that you barely noticed his/her flaws. Can you do the same now at this point of your relationship? What makes it so difficult to do same? Is it because you have identified an alternative that you think could have been better? No doubt, you partner gives you legitimate cause for complaint. However, ask yourself, ‘On which of my partner’s qualities will I choose to focus, the good or the bad? Nobody said your partner was going to be the best all the time. Challenging times will come and it will need better solutions to overcome them. Have noticed anything about you that he/she also complains about every now and then, what have you done about it or what was your attitude to that complaint? If you intentionally decide to focus on your partner’s annoying traits, those faults will seem to get bigger and bigger. Choose to focus on the qualities that made you fall in love with him/her.

THE CHALLENGE OF SUSTAINING MARRIAGE

Once upon a time, young people had the privilege of just relaxing and waiting for their families to choose their marriage partners for them. Now, young people think that it is not possible. During those times, if any two opposite sex children were noticed to spend more time with each other, the families took the liberty to speculate that they will be good future marriage partners. Sometimes this incident happened as early as five years and above. It therefore offered the family the chance to study the progress of each of their ward’s development and made sure that nothing untoward happened to prevent that holy matrimony, especially when the children’s parents liked and understood each other. This unique opportunity was happy time because the two concerned families did a lot of the work for the two main parties and as a result there was less stress on the children.

The most important part was the gathering of materials and equipments needed to make a home a wonderful one. Each of the families concentrated on organizing all the necessary things to take their ward into a union where they will need just a little more to be more than happy with each other. During those times the families involved enjoyed the union more than the main parties until the two parties are put together. Each partner made it a point to come with the little they could to make life after the event more cherished and fulfilling. In the end, just few marriages broke down and could not work because in those times, the families were more ‘married’ than the individuals and therefore they would want their family names to be treated with all the decorum. The family really made sure that the parties stayed with each other and work their issues out.

The opposite is what is happening now in our modern computerized globalized world. Each of the partners rather needs to do all the work and live almost nothing for the family to do. What the entire families do is just to say yes and we are ready to support you in whatever you do. The consequence is that, when something bad happens, the blame is always placed on the individuals for not being able to work their way around their own problems. And so, they should do whatever they think pleases them. Unfortunately for the young ones of the modern world, there is more work in almost every endeavour that is made available us. Marriage can therefore not be exempted and this phenomenon is contributing so much marriage breakdowns.

With the challenge of keeping with modernity has put so much strain on marriage in this global world. Some 40 percent or more of all marriages ends up divorce due various factors that have proved to be a challenge for many couples. There are people especially the young ones who have started entertaining the idea that marriages fail because the hopelessness that it seems to give in terms of its inability to serve as a check on society makes it irrelevant in the 21st century. Others also believe the arrangement itself is faulty.

Before you also decide to go along with this idea, take a look this scenario: Two couples buy the same model car at the same time. One couple maintains their vehicle well and drives it carefully. Their car does not break down. The other couple invests no time or energy in maintaining their vehicle, and they drive recklessly. That car breaks down and is abandoned. Where does the fault lie for the second outcome, with the car or with the owners? Obviously, the owners bear much of the responsibility.

Similarly, the fact that many marriages fail does not mean that the institution of marriage is somehow flawed. The millions of marriages that succeed prove otherwise. Those marriages bring happiness and stability to individuals, to families, and to communities. But marriages, like a car, needs good care and regular maintenance if it is to last.

ARE FAMILY VALUES FADING AWAY?

Family is the basic unit of procreation on earth. Years past, families could not survive without a man heading affairs to keep the family united and growing. It is becoming common now with single parents most especially with the case of women single-handedly caring for their children.

Since man came to earth, we have always had values that helps us guide ourselves in living with each other peacefully and functional. These values are gradually giving way in the family system due to various factors and apparent among them being technology and the need to keep up financially. Sometime ago, family use to be a strong adhesive kept its members together it did everything it can to sustains its members. That in turn provided supports and nourished the members throughout the span of that family.

Years ago in Western lands, many homes had a treasured ritual. The whole family gathered around a table, at least once a day, to have a meal. No interruptions were allowed. Nobody watched tv, wore earphones, or sent text messages to friends. A peaceful environment provided an opportunity for those present to share daily experiences, absorb wisdom, strengthen family bonds, and laugh together over daily happenings while enjoying wholesome food.

For many people today, the family meal may sound like an old-fashioned custom. In many homes family meals are the exception not the rule. Why do families find it so difficult to eat together? Is this traditional custom worth preserving? What benefits could it bring to each family member?

The fact that it (the evening meal) had visibly diminished in the source of a single generation is remarkable evidence of how rapidly our social connections has been changing. What factors have contributed to this phenomenon? First, the high cost of living has led both husbands and wives to work longer hours. Single parents, whose economic situation is usually more precarious, face an even greater strain on their time.

Second, today’s hectic pace of life encourages fast food and hasty meals. Not only adults but also children have many commitments, such as sports and other after school activities.

Additionally, there are fathers who prefer to arrive home when the toddlers are already asleep because they want to avoid tantrums at supper. Other parents, who do get home in time, choose to give the children supper first and send them to bed so that they could wake up early to prepare for school whiles husband and wife have a quiet meal together.

Such situations lead families to have separate eating sessions. Notes stacked on the refrigerator have come to replace mealtime conversation. Each member of the family arrives home, warms a precooked dish, and sits in front of a Tv set to watch their favourate programmes or sit in front a computer to finish the day’s work better not, sit in front of a game console to play a favourate game. These social trends may seem irreversible. So is it worthwhile to think seriously about bucking the trend?

LEARN TO BALANCE WORK LIFE WITH OTHERS

The trying times are here and whiles it comes along with myriads of challenges and as well as opportunities, it is making it almost impossible to do most of the things we use to do. In these times of severe economic depression, a prime concern is having a regular job that guarantees sufficient income to cover the needs of the family. However, this is not always easy, especially when hundreds of thousands of workers are being laid off. If you are one who suddenly becomes unemployed, the challenge is to take vigorous action to find another job almost immediately to sustain yourself and your family.

Yet still, there is much more to life than hard work. No one on his or her deathbed will say, “I wish I had spent more time at work”. There are a lot of people who have gone through different types of trauma and almost all of them come out of these situations with a different attitude to life and how it should be lived with fun. None of them so far have expressed regret for the times that they have enjoyed before the incident. Such examples should give us an indication of what should be more important to humans than what we concentrate so much on. Living a satisfying, meaningful life obviously involves making time for secular work. But what else? For spiritual needs, for family, and for recreation. How can you care for other areas of life in a balanced way?

Working long hours without proper rest or recreation can deprive you of many joys in life. It can also lead to serious health problems.

Chronic work has been linked to obesity, alcoholism, heart disease, workplace accidents, drug dependency, anxiety, fatigue, depression, and many other stress-related disorders. Overwork can also be deadly. One report estimates that in Japan about 10,000 people die annually from overwork, as many as die in automobile accidents in that country each year. This phenomenon labeled karoshi, “death from overwork” stretches far beyond Japan.

Yes, balance is vital. Do not let your profession become your obsession. Protect your mental, physical, and emotional health by taking time to rest and enjoy the fruits of your labour with a little bit more of happiness outside work place.
We should learn to work to live and not live to work. Balancing work with rest and leisure will also help you care for the needs of your family. But this is not easy, especially when you have fees and bills to pay each week or month.

If even we think we can’t, you should gradually learn to balance work with family life. Today many families are over-scheduled and under-connected. Work now tends to squeeze most of the energy from parents whiles the kids then gets the little of what is left with the minimal time they spend with their parents and guardians.

Its time to assess yourselves and identify whatever is causing too pressure in your work environment and reexamine your priorities in order to make the necessary changes to balance work life with other important lifestyles most especially the family.

All the same, it is understandable that most families have a hard fight just to cover monthly expenses. Some spouses have to work long hours and if possible have to take two or more jobs just to get by. Whiles leaving the children with family members or caretakers.

It is possible to find different ways of balancing work and family obligations. However, the key point is not forsaking the joys of family life by placing too much emphasis on work. Be assured that balancing your work, recreation, and family needs will bring you rich rewards that will be worth more than you might be enjoying now.